Crazy Couzinz

Here’s the deal with my cousins Gabe (10) and Jonah (8) – they are spastic. We’re talking too spastic for a horse tranquilizer – Ridalin is useless against them. And although I am much older, calmer, smarter, better looking, and generally more awesome, I can’t help but constantly point out dangerous situations to them. “Hey look at that ledge you could climb…That piñata needs shredding…Eat that sucker in the dirt, dude.”

Although I’m always there for suggestions, they definitely don’t need my encouragement. Two weeks ago my brother told me about the contest they had in a restaurant: see who could shove the most/grossest/biggest food item up the nose. As a wide array of French fries, salad items, and desserts disappears into the terror twins’ nasal passages, Gabe decides to out-do Jonah once and for all. Up the nostril goes a straw, and down disappears a big inhale of Coca-Cola. Now, caffeine taken by way of the digestive system is bad enough for these kids, but a hit directly to the brain like that? Havoc. Gabe jumps out of his seat and runs around in circles like a banshee, beginning a reign of terror from Mom and Dad, and showing that you might think your nose is indestructible, but it’snot.